i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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