For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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