Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
