I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
