So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize