Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I cut my penus on the lid.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
