Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They are going to name an STD after you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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