the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
