if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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