is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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