In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
