I wanna passion pit in your ass
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
