This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize