I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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