just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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