I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
