what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize