Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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