dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
