I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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