so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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