update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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