New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
