Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
