then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
