Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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