he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
