I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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