We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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