your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
