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This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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