he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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