Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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