i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's blow job season.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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