Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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