explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
