What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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