On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
