hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
