Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
