8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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