just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm bleeding and have questions
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
