3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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