after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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