don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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