Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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