her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize