Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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