I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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