the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
