I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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