forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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