M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
