I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
