Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
