The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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