I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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