then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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