I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
