They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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