if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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