bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
